CELLULAR MONOLOGUE

I was pissed when my phone didn’t wake me. I looked down at it and shook it and was like fuck and I threw it down hard on the bed. Then I picked it up and it was my friend Jay texting me. He’s like ‘what’s the matter?’ I said my phone! My phone’s being a piece of shit but I’m getting the new Samsung today so fuck it. He’s like ‘Hey watch your mouth! After all the good times you’ve had with it? You guys are like a team! Besides,’ he says ‘I used to have the same phone as you and I wish I never lost it! I didn’t know how good my life was back then. Besides,’ he says ‘I just read how that phone you want has all these safety issues because the batteries are blowing up in people’s faces and shit’. I’m like honestly I’d rather take the risk than put up with this shitty-ass phone even one more day. My Mom later texts like ‘how can you say that after all the good times you’ve shared?’ I’m like what good times she’s like ‘go thru your photo library you’ll see what I mean. There should be a play button, this will instigate a slideshow…’ I didn’t. I’d seen those pics a million times, I knew how boring they were and those times were lame times anyway. I need a new phone so I can finally start living the excellent times, I realized, and googled the new Samsung: not only do they blow people’s faces up but they’re ten times more expensive than I thought they were! How can that be? Then I checked my account and I’m like what the fuck! Where did all my money go? I thought for sure I had over a grand in my checking account but it says less than $800? That’s when I scream at the ceiling, determined to get something. So I started looking at other options and they’re all so lame except for one I only a little bit like. This is the worst day in my life. Can’t anyone make a phone anymore? I clicked on my sorta like. In the review section a lady said she used to have my phone and switched to my sorta like and totally regretted it. She had to switch back. Thank god she was able to get my phone back she wrote and she titled her review “Sometimes you don’t know what you have unti

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